My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Just parrot things
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?