My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!