@HooeyDr

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

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@HatfieldAnne

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

@Sorrowscopes

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

@OBiiieeee

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

@impaulmccoy

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

@SomeChrisTweets

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

@BradBroaddus

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

@Marcmywords2

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

@prncss_fifi

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

@minnie_in_pink7

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.