My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Mood.. 😂
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.