My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Come back with a warrant
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.