my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭