My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
fr
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.