My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
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Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”