My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
You Might Also Like
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.