My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
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Meow
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Finally, a door that understands me
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.