My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)