my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
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cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.