My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
shut up and take my money
how much for the angry fruit?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet