My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
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I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal