My friends tinder conversation PLEASE βπΌπππ
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Me: whatβs your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
The dinosaurs didnt βrule the earthβ they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
βPeople have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but whoβs laughing now?β
{Turns around quickly}, βI heard that!β
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. Itβs not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Damn what did I do next
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.