my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Good morning!
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.