My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Can. I. Help. You.
DOOO EEEET
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
beware of dog
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.