My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
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We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money