@JodingersCat

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

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@Ivsy01

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

@bewgtweets

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

@JenAshleyWright

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

@MatCro

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

@skedaddle74

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

@QwertyJones3

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

@MoistPork

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

@BadMikeyBad

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

@LurkAtHomeMom

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.