My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.