@molly7anne

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

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@UNDEADTRESOR

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

@iwearaonesie

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

@Cheeseboy22

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

@mostly_cheese

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

@dave_cactus

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.