My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
something like this could probably happen to anyone
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver