[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
How dude HOW?!
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
