[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
You Might Also Like
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.