[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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I just stopped by to water my horse.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Cats (2019)
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled