[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
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Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Omg 🤣
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.