[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
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“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
The first matador
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.