my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
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Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*