[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
This is a bad sign
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I have obtained a hat
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it