My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
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Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
it be like that
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Mornin
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.