My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Current mood: Potato
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Perfect
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY