My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house