my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
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Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Mmmm canned fish.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*