My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Taliband
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
it was a valiant fight
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠