@salazarsboxing
@TheBoydP Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
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@TheBoydP 
@newLettuce [Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
@Smooheed I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
@ACartoonCat Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
@simoncholland Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
@SadieSkyNinja Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
@Swishergirl24 The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
@NerdyCheeseCurd Sorry. Not sorry
@WilliamAder Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
@Kyle_Raney My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud