@salazarsboxing

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

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@TheBoydP

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

@newLettuce

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

@Smooheed

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

@ACartoonCat

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

@simoncholland

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

@SadieSkyNinja

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@Kyle_Raney

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud