My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Self-cleaning conscience
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I hope Alan is OK