My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
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My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Mornin. * use accordingly
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!