my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”