@littlebluecouch

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

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@TheBoydP

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

@ReticentTurnip

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

@TheAlexNevil

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

@3sunzzz

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

@david8hughes

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

@Just__J0

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

@noog

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…