My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
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Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Oh my god
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol