My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
You Might Also Like
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.