My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
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“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox