@causticbob

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

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@Kyle_Raney

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

@StupiDucker

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

@tarashoe

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

@ShittyComedian

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

@GabbbarSingh

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

@Harbinger_one

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@zachreinert0

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

@Fred_Delicious

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

@chuuew

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]