My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

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How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO


Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.


ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head


I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.


If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.


Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.


Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie


“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”


911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
911: [dial tone]