My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Same pineapple, same
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.