my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
You Might Also Like
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week