my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
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Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Important
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.