My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
forgive me baja for i have blast
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them