My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.