My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Florida man
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side