my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
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*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
These 3D printers are insane!
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Name another movie that mislead you?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
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