My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
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Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Autocarrot sucks!
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor