My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My birthstone is kidney
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
my first day as a raccoon
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder