My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.