My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
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My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy