My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
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Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.