My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Labreador